The State of the Onion: Let's peel back a few layers

Was is just me, or has George almost learned to pronounce the word "nuclear"? He also seems to be trimming some of the smirks out of his speaking style, while being caught in only one inappropriate wink. But despite the almost Clintonesque tone of the address, Dubya did manage to provoke a few loud "huh??" moments.

Along with the expected references to September 11, the railing against the terrorists, and various and sundry other buzz phrases we've been conditioned to suffer through, there were a few new, dare I say it, subtle wrinkles. We learned that Iran is suffering under a regime, despite the fact many of us recall a quite lively national election there a few months back. I guess that must be like that regime the Venezuelans elected. And we can all be thankful that Rummy came out later this week and explained world politics to us. You see, Hugo is like Hitler -- these guys get elected, then they consolidate their power into a dictatorship. Wait, that reminds me of somebody...it's on the tip of my tongue...and seems a lot closer to home than South America.

We were also informed that hindsight alone is not wisdom, and second-guessing is not a strategy. Unless you're conversing in Orwellian Newspeak, wisdom is learned behavior, supported by a view of history, and the ability to adjust to situations as they arise. Doesn't hurt to have a plan, either.

But who needs a plan? America is always more secure when Freedom is on the March, as Dubya inferred after channeling the spirits of Reagan, Roosevelt, Truman, and Kennedy, who supposedly felt this way. Beyond the damnfool nonsense of lumping these presidents together (three Dems and a Reagan), it really makes my skin crawl every time a Republican calls upon the Spirit of Truman. For shame!

But the truly surreal moments for me came with the phrases "switch grass" and "human-animal hybrids".

HUH???

Now I'm assuming that woodchips, stalks, and switch grass are easier to pronounce than cellulose biomass (let's not tax the phonics at this point -- he's getting better), and besides, it sounds more downhome, y’all. Not necessarily presidential, mind you. But now I am grasping at straws (nyuk, nyuk! GROAN).

The one that really made me sit up was the dire implications of HUMAN-ANIMAL HYBRIDS. Ye gods and little fishes, other than the temporary mental image of flying monkeys in Brooks Bros. suits (with the matching fezs) swooping down on Wall Street, I was totally unaware of this threat to national security. Oh, those nasty scientists! They’ve been busy behind our backs, obviously operating under the smokescreen of ‘evilootion’. Then again, I wouldn’t be the first to suggest that our Shrub is either a.) a monkey-boy in cowboy boots, or b.) the missing link itself. Intelligent design my hind leg.

I’m making light of the address, at W’s expense, for very valid reasons. The day of the speech, we woke up to find that Dr. King’s widow, Coretta, (a tireless fighter for human rights herself) had passed. Only hours later our foolish Congress affirmed the ascent of the uber-neocon Sam Alito to the highest court in the land, thereby throwing away yet another of our checks and balances, and quashing one of the last remaining means of reigning in an administration already secure in the delusion of its righteousness. It's no small wonder Bush sounded so calm, and even centrist. The nation needs a soothing voice.

It’s never a good idea to spook the herd. Especially once you have it in the slaughterhouse.