The American Renaissance

Baja Canada del Sur: Comedy and Comment in the Age of Occupation

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Location: Little Rock, Arkansas

found done in needlepoint on Mel's Front Porch: I Pledge Alligence to the Constitution of the United States of America. And to the Republic for which it guarantees, One Nation, Undeniable, with Liberty, Truth, and Justice for All.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Well, now you guys have gone and done it.

I was going to carry on with my emcee duties over at the Gay Agenda, but apparently the number of comments has exceded my poor little computer's ability to access. At last check it was at 148. I can still READ the comments if I follow the Big Tent link from here ~~ but if I click to comment it FREEZES my entire computer.

So here's the thing: Unless Pursey et al want to continue the Pageant in another post, let's call competition closed and we will announce winners, losers, and Miss Congeniality.

As soon as all you STONERS pull your heads out of the bong and drink some coffee. Geez, this is a Pageant, not a freakin' Dead show.

Excuse me while I step backstage and see if our costume designer can do anything about all these seed holes in my cheap polyester tux. See what happens when I use Bobby's tailor?

74 Comments:

Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Oh, my,
What a lovely bong.
What does it say on the bottom.
I will put this link up on the GA so the contestants can come to the BAJA and get there prizes!

1:07 PM  
Blogger meldonna said...

It says "BEAT" and then has some small print I can't read.

Although I hate to mention the word "beat" in front of this crowd, God knows.

Don't be hatin', y'all.

1:21 PM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Oh,
I thought you meant beat like Beat poetry or the Beat Generation or dance to the beat.
How can you read that tiny print on that photo? Hmmmmm.

1:29 PM  
Blogger enigma4ever said...

I for one am not a Stoner...but I confess I did partake in the Ripple that Lola located ( comments 150-152)....I am in a foul mood had to walk here in 6inch Goldfish Wedges and my damn little corgis' Bitsey and Kibbles gorged themselves on God-Knows-What....hic..ah, the Ripple was lovely Lola.....and then I had to get a ride in a Lovely Yellow Cab- and 87 Taurus that smells like an Airporto Urinal minus the Cake- if you know what I mean...

So give me the friggin Congenial My Ass prize and we can call it good.....

1:46 PM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Enigma,
I was hoping for the Miss Congenial My Ass prize, doll, I must say.

Blogger is acting goofy over at GA and I cannot access the comments. We must have blown it up.

See ya'll, I am staying away until Mel and the judges figure this out, or until I have a cocktail, whichever comes first!

1:57 PM  
Blogger Lola Heatherton said...

Meldonna, I am trying to decide what to wear on the Red Carpet. Where is Joan Rivers? Where is Melissa Rivers? Where is my thong? Where are my eyelashes? Where am I?

When are you posting the winners? I'm all a twitter.

Enigma, I am glad you enjoyed the Ripple. I checked the cardboard carrier, and am assured it is Vintage Yesterday.

2:22 PM  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

I am so going to kick butt at this thing. I have a pitcher of martinis ready, lots of chewing gum and I've been practiceing walking all day. When I combine the filled martini glass, the mouth full of gum and walking all together it's gonna be a highlight of the century.

I finally decided what to wear since I too am a decider. I'm wearing my fishnet body suit with bows in all the right places.

So where do I pick up my crown or whatever?

If anyone needs help with the bong deal, I'm right here. I have a great memory about such things.

2:38 PM  
Blogger spadoman said...

I gave that freakin' cabby a ten spot and he got me here as fast as he could. Not bad for an 87 Taurus Did I miss anything?

Now, here's the deal. If any of your really want a real pirate name and be named by a real oirate, I suggest you go to theRound Circle blog and read the posts about a real Pirate Captain. His name is Captain Jack Spadlow and he is getting ready to sail on his new ship!

Damn, on the way to Baja via Canadia, my Salami thawed and melted. This damn thing is as small as a gherkin right now. Talk about no talent. I'm in it for sure!

Where's that tight calved bee-ach with the goldfish? (those calves gotta be tight on 6 inchers:-)
Wish the Spadolami had 6" left on it, damn squirrels.

Where's that joint> Lola, you rush lush. Bogart that thing, will ya? OK, I'm cuttin' you out of the ride in my gold caddy unless you share.
By the way, what's with all the skank ass whores up here? We in freakin' Seattle or Canadia? Oh SHIT! Ripple???!!! We're in freakin. Arkansas!!!

TAXI!

4:01 PM  
Blogger meldonna said...

There's PoP, rarin' to go...just don't forget, dahling, LACK of talent's the key at this dog and pony show. So don't forget to slosh a little gin on the judges at a strategic point on the runway.

E...your goldies are starting to look a little green around the gills. Good God they're seasick! Medic! We need a medi...oh, wait. You ARE a medic. Whatever does one do for a seasick fish?

Lola, I hate to disapoint, but Joan and Melissa are still stuck at the Denver Airport. I warned them not to fly United. We'll just have to make do with Cruella and that little Kressley vamp.

Did anyone freshen Miss Pursey's cocktail yet?

4:10 PM  
Blogger spadoman said...

What? Chopped livah here?

I want a prize!

Pussy, I mean Pursey. WTF? oh chit. mon. my salami is gone.

Mel, c'mon. I mean. we're friends. aren't we mel?
( I knew i shoulda come out there and moved her to Arkansas)

4:15 PM  
Blogger meldonna said...

OoooEEE...the Spadolami er...slipped in here when I wasn't looking (Yeah, I know. That's what SHE said). Cancel that cab, we're still in Seattle. They wouldn't know what the fuck Ripple is in Arkansas.

And if you're reading this, Deud, yes, I can pick on Arkies ~~~ because I AR one!

*******

btw, cool 'nam story about the name, my friend. Although you might want to ease off the kind bud a tad...that may be what's causing the problem with yer gherkin.

4:19 PM  
Blogger spadoman said...

Melboner, I stopped reefin' about 15 years ago when I had my last heart attack. The gherkin problems are from the Metoprolol, (Ask Enigma, she's a medic, right?)

OK, I wanna prize. I don't got no talent and can't talk good anyhoo. Like she says.

Going to the Pirates lair now. Naming ceremony there as we speak. Be back tomorrow.




Love to all you crazies indeed!

4:23 PM  
Blogger Lola Heatherton said...

Spadoman, I am not a lush of any sort. I am a professional entertainer, trying my way to cook myself to a crown - with broken nails and eyelashes askew. I require alcohol and various narcotics to help with my creative moose.

5:10 PM  
Blogger Scootmaroo said...

Ripple: Je t'tadore le Ripple! however, Night Train Express will do in a pinch, as will wild Irish Rose....but RIPPLE?

All I can say, with all the work I put in on the ecyclema, I better get my fuckin' cha cha heels!

5:39 PM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Gherkins,

Did someone mention gherkins. My, I love a gherkin on top of a real Cobb salad with real King Louis dressing, or whatever the hell that is. Ummmmm,
hearts of palm, fresh crab, shrimp, boiled egg, avocado, bacon, olives, tomato, need I say more?

Ummmmm.

7:13 PM  
Anonymous Daggy Dill said...

Daggy Dill,

What's the deal,
This show I wanna steal,
I showed you my thong and then
shared my bong,

Then I wrote a poem for everyone here, and never once did I say gang, steer clear,

I rescued Tomi Rae Hynie
and didn't even blink,
Now I am back
and I want you know that I'm not a rat fink.

Dk is red,
Enigman is the best
Lola makes me want to get this off my chest.
Spadoman is the man,
and he can't be beat
Unless deudderson shows us his feet!

7:45 PM  
Blogger spadoman said...

Hmmmm, slowed down a bit, didn't it. Too bad. I was getting revved up. Too much, eh? Ok, I'll go to bed now. The good things can't last forever.

Tried to call Mel, been busy all evening.

8:52 PM  
Blogger enigma4ever said...

Medic here...or enigma ala Ripple...hmmm. I gotta talk to Scoot- seems Scoot brought MUCH better Hooch...My talent will be wobbing on my platoforms while Resusitating my Goldfish....and if they are to the Great Beyond - well, Corgis love them little fishes...

and if anyone gets in my way-well, they will get a platform shoe up their.....

Oh, look how shiny and new the Msss.Congenial Ass award is ....won't that look lovely on my shelf....

Spado put that Butter away....

9:59 PM  
Anonymous D.K. Raed said...

me-oh-my-oh, things got rough on the fly-oh ...

I seem to have gotten stuck somewhere between GA and the great state of Washingstone. You can't even cough around these fly boys anymore without them making an emergency landing to force an innocent head-cold victim off. Wimps! (hack, cough, wheeze) afraid of little avian birdshit! If I ever see those guys again, I'll put my gold platforms somewhere they'll, um, probably remember fondly forever. So much for the Congenialsuckass prize.

And WHAT is this place I've been stranded at? You gotta be effing kidding me. Saltfuckinlakecity? Well, punk me out. Might be a hallucination, but I think I just saw an old yellow taxi screech by, some redhead flinging out empty ripple bottles. Hey! Dontcha know there's a litter law around here? And a law against everyothereffingthing, too, apparently.

Oh so, nothing to do for it, but head off to the local state liquor store, load up on nyquil & tums, then off to the SnookumMormonInn for some R&R. By-doze-is-so-raed-by-haids-almost-daed ... oh pass the kleenex, it's time to blow.

Sorry guys, this boy scout has quarantined himself for a bit. I'll check back tomorrow. Damn, I knew I shouldn't have eaten so much salami. Where'd you get that stocking stuffer, spadoman? I hope you verified your source. Why didn't you warn me not to swallow?

Mel, if you want to clear out any unruly houseguests, I'll offer to sneeze on them. I'll send the germs on You-Knighted-Aero-Express. ~~ D.K.

10:15 PM  
Anonymous D.K. Raed said...

wait a minute, I see enigma's already up there while I was sneezing on the keyboard. So WHO was in that taxi? Lola & Lorna in shocking auburn wigs? ~~ D.K.

10:18 PM  
Blogger meldonna said...

*****
Another PSA

(cue martian boogie)

This is Snoop Dogg, yo. See, I'm all about the drinking and driving shazzile. I cain't figure out how white chicks kissing in public makes somebody DWI. Dis Miss USA/teenUSA gettin' dissed by MADD got to GO.

How cum they get wild about this when ain't nobody driving? MADD need to get Mel Gibson to pull over fo' he make another bloody movie. Word.

Dis is the Dogg sayin' get right, be right. Yo.

this message has been brought to you by DAMM (Drunks Against Moronic Morality)

10:46 PM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Hi,

This is my Ed Grimley impersonation impersonating Snoop Dog in honor of DAMM (drunks against moronic morality),

I've been rolling down the street smoking indo,
Sipping on gin and juice,
Laid back,
With my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

Now that I got me some seagrams gin
Everybody got they cups but they ain't chipped in
Now this types of shit happens all the time
You gotta get yours but fool I gotta get mine
And I'm gonna smoke an ounce to that1

DK Raed, stop sneezing on me! Spadoman, stop playing with that Gherkin.
Patricia, you are gonna choke on that way, girl.
Enigma, the fish are dead and floaties,
Lola, your nails are chipped and dirty,
Scootmaroo you got a damn fool ride,
Daggy I can rhyme better than you and I'm gonna win this thing,
Cause I am Ed Grimely and I can rap, and I'm gonna smoke an ounce to that!!!!!!

6:26 AM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Here I am being Pursey.

Enigma,
Anyone who partakes in Ripple can were the crown of the Stoner. You'd have to be stoned to drink that stuff. That '87 Vintage Taurus must have been a sight to behold, and I love the scent of an Airporto Urinal minus the Cake. I am attempting to bottle that scent and make my fortune, it is hip to be skank these days. You should win the "BEST SKANK TOILETRY" award.

Lola,
Forget the clothes, Doll. Wear your Boil N'Bag gunked shift and you'll be fine. You should win the "LOOKS GREAT IN A SOILED SHIFT" award, a talent only the finest of beauties possess.

Pissed Off,
That wad of gum is so gross, especially when you slurp gin across it. If there is a prize for "GAG ME WITH HEART AND SOUL," you win.

Spadoman,
Any man that knows a woman's calves are tight on 6-inchers will win the "STEAL MY HEART PRIZE," gherkin or salami, it doesn't really matter if you know those simple facts about female anatomy and suffering, even though you did call her a bee-atch and you call me Pussy and you called Meldonna Melboner.

Scootmaroo, your knowledge of French and of fine, obscure alcoholic beverages like Night Train Express makes me want to award you with "I'LL CLEAN OUT YOUR CLOSETS ANYTIME" award, an obscure award bestowed upon few.

Daggy Dill, I kind of dig your weird poetry, your messages are always from the heart and I am think you should win the "I'M A SOUL MAN STRUGGLING FOR WORDS" prize.

DK Raed,
I have never seen anyone put forth the effort that you do to win a solid gold Snoop-de-Ville. You, my friend, know how to compete with passion and deliberation through snow, sleet, hail, wind, storms, etc. You should win the "I'M STRONGER THAN A POSTMAN ON METH," award.

Meldonna.
You are the best emcee in the world, D-Lezbin or not. You should win
That is my two cents worth. Now we have to sit around biting our nails and waiting for Mel to make the final announcements.

8:48 AM  
Blogger Lola Heatherton said...

Well, here I am, soiled dress, broken nails, and something I never expected: my hair is a mess. And my makeup has sort of melted from the heat of boiling cakes and beef strohsithomes.

And I broke a heel. After this pagent I will never cook again.

9:37 AM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Here I am being Pursey.

Enigma,
Anyone who partakes in Ripple can were the crown of the Stoner. You'd have to be stoned to drink that stuff. That '87 Vintage Taurus must have been a sight to behold, and I love the scent of an Airporto Urinal minus the Cake. I am attempting to bottle that scent and make my fortune, it is hip to be skank these days. I am giving you the "BEST SKANK TOILETRY" award. Prize = Having the honor.

Lola,
Forget the clothes, Doll. Wear your Boil N'Bag gunked shift and you'll be fine. I am giving you the "LOOKS GREAT IN A SOILED SHIFT" award, a talent only the finest of beauties possess. Prize = You'll always look pretty.

Pissed Off,
That wad of gum is so gross, especially when you slurp gin across it. If there is a prize for "GAG ME WITH HEART AND SOUL," you win. The prize = You can gross people out better than any 12-year-old forever.

Spadoman,
Any man that knows a woman's calves are tight on 6-inchers will win the "STEAL MY HEART PRIZE," gherkin or salami, it doesn't really matter if you know those simple facts about female anatomy and suffering, even though you did call her a bee-atch and you call me Pussy and you called Meldonna Melboner. Prize = You'll always make new friends.

Scootmaroo, your knowledge of French and of fine, obscure alcoholic beverages like Night Train Express makes me want to award you with "I'LL CLEAN OUT YOUR CLOSETS ANYTIME" award, an obscure award bestowed upon few. Prize = You pay for my trip and I will come clean your closets.

Daggy Dill, I kind of dig your weird poetry, your messages are always from the heart and I am think you should win the "I'M A SOUL MAN STRUGGLING FOR WORDS" prize. Prize = You get to say all the bad poetry you want as long as your heart stays in the right place.

DK Raed,
I have never seen anyone put forth the effort that you do to win a solid gold Snoop-de-Ville. You, my friend, know how to compete with passion and deliberation through snow, sleet, hail, wind, storms, etc. You should win the "I'M STRONGER THAN A POSTMAN ON METH," award. Prize = You can always be counted on.

Meldonna.
You are the best emcee in the world, D-Lezbin or not. You should win
That is my two cents worth. Now we have to sit around biting our nails and waiting for Mel to make the final announcements.

9:41 AM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

I want the prize for goofing up the most when posting!!!!!!!

9:43 AM  
Blogger DivaJood said...

How are ya? Hey, Pursey, I should get the prize for best looking comic in a red suit.

10:07 AM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Look, Bobby BITE-ME,

You know I don't like you comin' round after your shabby treatment of Lola. I cannot believe you have wormed your way back into her world after your evil misdeeds, like going broke and asking her to work on your soggy farm in hipwaders.

BITE-ME,

Even though you are cute in your red suit, your jokes are as cruel as your swinging heart. You are a user, a swinger, a mysogynist, and a bad lay----er----I mean, I hate it when you say, "Hey, How are ya?" and "Hey, Pursey, hey." You have a bad "hey," that's what I meant to say.

10:49 AM  
Blogger spadoman said...

Hey Puss.. I mean Pursey, you need a good strong Italian guy to help you with that scum bag? I mean, I know where to get cement and stuff. Swim with the fishes so to speak? Let me know if you need me. I got a network.

So, here's the deal. I mean, there has to be some kind of prize for the most talented of the no=talent. That would be last place, right? Figure it out. If the person with the "least" amount of talent is first, then the person with the "most" talent is last. I mean, my talent has been dwindling from a giant salami to a mini sweet gherkin through this whole debacle. I'm either first place or last place depending on the size on any particular day.

Yes, you are quite correct. I am a gem amongst stones. I do know that a woman's calf is strengthened if she wears 6" heels, and the extra weight of the water and the fish. I have no reason to hide the fact that those are some well developed calves. The little black backless dress and the red hair flying in the wind on my Harley are a site to behold as well, Uh Oh, different post, sorry Enigma.

I haven't seen any of you come over to see the life of a real pirate. I am sad that I have had no visitors to my site. (is that enough begging yet?)

The rest of you all deserve something too for your efforts here. Chipped nails, broken heels, soiled clothing. I mean, the cleaning bills alone! How can i help with the repair of all the disasters? I'm here for ya folks. That's all I'm tryin' ta say.

Now that the salami is out of the bag, I guess I'll fess up to another lie I've been akin to. That 87 Taurus? It was professionally restored. It's a copy, a knockoff, a phony. That's why the damn thing can do 160 on I-40.

I'll be waiting for the awrds ceremony. Win or lose, the drinks are on me. Bartender, Muscatel for all my friends here.

Puss, roll another fatty, eh?

11:20 AM  
Blogger Lola Heatherton said...

Meldonna, did I win yet?

Pursey, I appreciate your loyalty in defending my honor. But I've never actually borne Bobby's children. I've never actually borne anyone's child. I offer, but I don't know nothing 'bout birthin babies.

Enigma, I've gotten another sixpack of Ripple. And I've gone to Trader Joe's and gotten some Two Buck Chuck. Did anyone order the limosine?

Patricia, did you win something that I'm not aware of?

Perhaps I need to interview all the winners on one of my very special specials.

Bobby, please behave yourself.

11:38 AM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Spadoman,

Let's wait and see if BITE-ME comes back. If not, I may need your network for my crackhead neighbor, deal?

Spadoman,
I think I may have gotten the wrong impression about you being sympathetic to women who have to parade around in 6 inch heels with fish or 5 inch gold platform shoes. Are you saying you want women to do that? Ouch! If so, the only cure I have for you is to role another fatty.

Here, toke on this and see if it will make you more empathetic to women in heels. There, that's good.

Now,
I see your parts are more limp and compliant, so let's slip your size 13EEEs out of those Eddie Bauer Chucks. There, isn't that more comfy.

Spadoman,
Here now, doll, wiggle those toes while I go get the cream. Squish, squish, squish, squish, doesn't that cream feel good. Now, it is time for some pump action. There you go doll, slip those big greasy things into these 6-inch heels. Now, no teeter totting. There you go. Walks up and down the runway 3 times and say three acts of contrition.

Now, Spadoman,
About that prize figuring you did, you are absolutely right!!!!!

1:03 PM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Lola,
I know you never bored his kids or anyone else for that matter, your just not the boring type, but I am not defending your HONOR YOU BIG DUMM....YOU DOLL. I am trying to keep BITE-ME away because he's YUCKY and you would do better with Eugene Levy.

In case you didn't know this, BITE-ME is a two timer!!!!!!

1:16 PM  
Blogger DivaJood said...

How are ya!

Hey, Pursey - don't be spreading rumours - some things are best kept secre.. I mean, some things just shouldn't be - I mean, shut up - you're as bad as my brother Skip.

2:22 PM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Bobby BITE-ME-MAN,

I cannot believe you just told me to SHUT UP over our secre---our long standing feud over the way you have treated Lola over the years.

I know your brother Skip in the Biblica---in the biographical sense, and he is not as bad as me and you are worse than him and Lola deserves better than the two of you combined.

I know what you were growing on that farm in Humbolt County---errrr---I mean that corn farm in the Midwest, and I am going to have to call Spadoman to get his network involved and you will be swimming with corn seeds my friend.

Spadoman,
Spadoman, Spadoman,
After wearing those 9-Inch-Nails will you still help me get Bobby swimming with the corn seeds? I'm getting myself in trouble over giving too much head----er---I am in way over their heads!!!! My head. Somebody's head. It's a head job. I need HELP!!!!!

3:10 PM  
Anonymous Daggy Dill said...

Daggy Dill says,

Everyone is kung fu fighting,
Everyone is fast as lightning,
Everyone is hoping to win the prize,
Where is the prize announcer,
Because the prize annoucer,
Can be the best bouncer and denouncer,
We really need Mel here,
She's better than my warm beer,
I am not trying to get these women,
Even if it is just for the swimming,
I am a man of true soul
And I just want you to know,
That I love you gals so,
And some of you fellows too,
Can we be friends, Scootmaroo?

6:36 PM  
Blogger spadoman said...

Well Puss, you need help. I need head. Maybe we could work something out. But you'll have to fight yore way through my cabin boy, Mr. Prostitute. She, I mean, He can be ferocious when she/ I mean he sees the bread she, I mean he buttered being eaten by a stranger.

Now listen. I do I do exactly know tha pian and suffereing that a woman goes through for the wearing o' the heels. I have never expected a woman, or man I mean, to wear special clothes or accesories for me. In fact, I'd prefer if they wore noything for me. Yeah, that's right nothing, except maybe the heels, but she, or he, can put those on after they crawl into the sack, they don't have to parade around in them. But Enigma's calves are, well, powerful!

Noe puss, hoe did you know I had a place in Humboldt up until 2003. ( I really did, great stories from that part of my life i can tell you). Yeppers, the green stuff with the hairs and the sticky strands. Turns me on maybe a bit more than a smart set of calves.

So, let me know about the cement shoes for the bite me dude. Hmmmm, shoulda entered them in the contest come to think of it. Now you try walking in them babies. Think the 6 inchers are bad. Those cement numbers chaffe you pretty bad.

Lola, you've endurred such trauma. May I help you with any of the child bearing chores? I can push like a trooper, and I know the breathing, too. I did father three beautiful girls. I even cut one of the cords.

We're waiting for prizes now. All this idle chit chat is quite boring you know. Where's that bong? Hope I didn't leave it with that cabby in the Taurus, we'll never see that mutha again.

Deke, look, the salami is gone. I believe you had a mouthful last time I saw you, but now you tell me you swallowed it? Damn, that was a lot of Spadolami! I'm impressed.

6:37 PM  
Blogger spadoman said...

NOTE: Please pardon the fat finger typographical errors on my last post.

Thank you very much.

Spadolami

6:40 PM  
Blogger Scootmaroo said...

Goddamn it, no fair bringing in Bobby Bittman at the last minute, Heatherton!

I supplied: A) The greek chorus B) Dakota Fanning C) Me dressed as Irene Papas D) KD fucking Lang and E)(last but not least!) a jug of Night Train Express!

Now, where the hell is my weekend in Saugatuck and my God damned Cha Cha Heels!
(Or, at the very least, Pursey coming to DC to organize my closets and shoe collection. Also, becoming friends with Daggy.....)

7:19 PM  
Blogger spadoman said...

Scoot, you are absofuckinlutely right!

Out of site, out of mind. You're so damn scarce, we don't even remember the gifts brought forth on your crusade for greatness.

But tough shit. No Salami, no 6" goldfish heels, no platforms, no child bearing help for poor Lola.

And I know you don't have a freakin' 87 restrored Taurus yellow taxi that'll do 160.

Leave the bottle and go sit and wait for the prizes to be announced. I hope I come in last anyway.

(but hey, I did like the kd lang thing, that was creative)

7:55 PM  
Anonymous D.K. Raed said...

Spado, be nicer to Scootmaroo or he won't let me wail with the anti-strophe. And believe me, there will be no lower point in the no-talent event than that. Plus he might sic Medea on you & she does NOT swallow.

Pursey, I would gladly accept the Postman-on-Meth prize! But you know I'll be delivering that shit COD. And I may be sick (achooo!), but I'm not cheap. Don't worry, the visa stmnt will show something innocuous like "Methaladium Seaside Resort".

After you & Spado finish off Bad-Hey-Bite-Mon, send me the body. Remember I know where to bury bodies in the Vegas desert. Only the rattlers & scorpions will know for sure ... if they even deign to dine on his lowly carcass. Lola may grieve for awhile, but it's for the best.

OK mel, I'm glad I made it up here, even tho' the dampness isn't helping my lungs. Rain, snow, sleet (hack, cough) -- you got any leftover Nyquil? If not, just throw me in one your moving cartons & ship me someplace warm & dry. ~~ D.K.

12:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mel, are we the judges, announcers are both? ..and are Spadoman and Shochamoroo contestants?

Phyllis Viking George

3:19 AM  
Blogger spadoman said...

Deke... Are you sure about that Medea not swallowing thing? That would change everything!

Sorry Scoot, just having a PMS moment while waiting for the announcement of the winners, (and Losers).

Phyliss Viking George
George Viking Phyliss
Viking Phyliss George
Viking George Phyliss
Viking Bite me George
Phyliss Bite me Viking

Yep, that last one, that's the one I like

4:54 AM  
Blogger Scootmaroo said...

I will be competing via telekenis from Atlanta until Monday. Let me know when the Medea and Her Merciless Murderers are on deck, please.

And someone get me a martini, stat.

6:14 AM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Spado,

Thanks, I will do the deal with you if you put BITE-ME-MAN in those chaffing shoes. Deke, I would like for Spadoman's network to hide the evidence in the Vegas desert.

Scootmaroo,
I have to admit, you brought the most stuff to this event and that should count for something.
I am glad you said Goddammit! about Bittman. That word is grossly underutilized.

Deke,
Hang tight with that nyquill. Try a cup of hot tea with a lot of lemon and either honey or a shot of liquor.

Spadoman,
I sure wish you still had that spot of land in Humbolt county. I love that movie Homegrown with Billy Bob Thorton and I just finished reading Budding Prospects by T.C. Boyle but that was in Mendecino.

Mel, Mel, Mel, when are you going to announce the winners?

6:38 AM  
Blogger Lola Heatherton said...

Spadoman, you are so courageous I want to bear ALL YOUR CHILDREN. Ha, ha ha ha ha.

Scootmaroo, I agree, if Bobby "How was I" Bittman wins a prize I will personally hunt him down and rip off his gold chains. I mean, look at me. I had to bake a cake, boil a bag, and paint my nails all at once, while my Juul Haalmayer Dancers waved their arms. My dress is soiled, the cake melted, the bag burned, and my nails are ruined. I need a prize.

DK Raed, your husband is so clever, I want to bear ALL HIS CHILDREN!

Enigma, did you get anything to drink?

Pursey, just, oh, whatever.

Meldonna, we need an announcement BEFORE I leave on my extensive dancing tour. January 1 I leave for Eye Wrack where I will be entertaining the Eye Wrack Defence Forces on a mission of mercy.

6:51 AM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Scootmaroo,
You slipped in while I was typing. Atlanta, how exciting. I love Atlanta. Deke, didn't you fly in from GA?

Georgia has the same initials as Gay Agenda!!!!

Scootmaroo,
We will let you know telepathically if you win your cha cha heels! Have fun.

Where the hell is Lola?
I hope Bobby didn't do something awful.

6:54 AM  
Blogger DivaJood said...

How are ya? Hey, you want to fight? I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover! I've got the alimony checks to prove it.

You're all so jealous of my immense comic skills that you're afraid I'll run off with that caddy. And I don't mean the one who works for Tiger Woods, nudge nudge, wink wink.

Mel, you better post the winners soon, or all hell will break loose.

6:56 AM  
Anonymous Daggy Dill said...

Bittman,
You don't fight
Well that's out of sight
I too don't fight
It just ain't right
Will you share your alimony
If I share my baloney?
Let's be friends, dude,
I'll even share my Qualuude.

7:32 AM  
Anonymous karena said...

GWB is slipping in so I can slip away from that skank, Condi. She is down on the ranch disagreeing with me about most everything, and frankly, if she doesn't stop I am going to have to go back to Pickles for the comfort I need. Anyway, while they're back at the ranch trying to figure out what to have for breakfast, (this no decision making bash I threw is starting to backfire) I am here in my mesh thong snorting some meth, snorting, some coke, sniffing some glue, smoking the bong and guzzling the Night Train Express. I want to win this thing, it will be the only thing I have ever come by honestly. I did not win the elections, I am not winning the war, but if this mesh and these drugs get me that Solid Gold Cadillac, I can look back on my legacy and smile!!!!!!

7:58 AM  
Blogger meldonna said...

What, hasn't the suspense built up enough yet?

Okay, first our Honorable Unmentionables:

Pursey
Miss Congeniality My Ass

Spadoman
King of Bullshit

Enigma
Best Bet For a PETA Protest

Daggy
Poet Laureate of Melonville

Scoot
Drama Conflama Queen

PoP
Mistress of Consistancy

Deke
Best Sneeze in a Kilt

Lorna
Mightiest Tights

joanne
Most Organized

Dada and deud
Tied for Best Disappearing Act

And for copiously and consistantly displaying No Talent Whatsoever, and failing to bear ANYONE'S children, your pageant winner is LOLA HEATHERTON.

This is your emcee D'Lezbin Meldonna ~~ congratulations to all our big winners, and please remember this means you are all BIG LOSERS, Lola biggest of all.

Kisses!

And now commences the afterparty, with much hissing and claws.

7:59 AM  
Blogger Lola Heatherton said...

I WON I WON I WON I WON! YAY! You Really, Really Like Me! (That was my BESTEST Sally Field impression.) And oh, to my fellow contestents whom I absolutely love and respect (air kiss air kiss) congratulations for even trying.

Wait. What do you mean I have no talent whatsoever?

Never mind, that makes my brain hurt. Let's get into my shiny new solid gold cadillac and start pouring martinis. Off to Sag and Tuck for a little botox before I go to Eye Wrack.

8:38 AM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Well, you can all BITE ME. How's that for Miss Congeniality My Ass?

Oh well, I can be big about this. I want a hit of the bong, and one more glance at Daggy Dill's schlong and then I will be in the mood for love and I will love everybody.

Seriously, folks, who ever could have thunk this is how we would share our holidays in 2006? Sharing our love, our friendship, our laughter, our talent or lack thereof. Thank you all. You will all be my friends forever.

Mel,
Those awards were the greatest!
Where the hell is Melonville?

I love the Drama Conflama!

Does Karena's GWB in Drag get an honorable unmentionable?

Big hugs,
Pursey

8:57 AM  
Blogger meldonna said...

Karena gets my love, but GWB in revealing drag rendered me speechless.

So I will proclaim her the Belated Queen of the Big Tent Horror. Oh, the horror. And truly Unmentionable.

Melonville is the location of SCTV, and apparently a great many of Lola's friends.

And yes, dolls, this was a great way to spend the holidays. Thanks again for the laughs.

9:25 AM  
Blogger meldonna said...

I also want to send a shout out to the staff, my co-host Phyliss George Viking, various and sundry hangers-on, real and got-to-be-real, and anyone else associated with this exercise of questionable taste and dubious legality. Rock on, all!

Now where's my cocktail?

9:34 AM  
Anonymous karena said...

Thanks,
I worked hard on that bit of horror. I am glad that I rendered you speechless, I an rendered brain dead, myself. Have been for years.

Dick said he was going to render me back to my place of origin, but Bar refused to allow me to crawl back in the womb.

As a matter of fact, last time Bar
touched me I was in the womb.

Hah! I had to type in OJ to get this comment approved. Yep, me and OJ, golfing, slashing and dashing, you know, crazy guy stuff.

Shit, I typed it in wrong, now my word verification thing is different. Shit.

10:42 AM  
Blogger meldonna said...

Have another cocktail, Kay.

11:06 AM  
Anonymous karena said...

Mel,

Why thank you. I don't mind if I do, thank you very much. I think I will have a Margarita with an extra salty rim and some queso.

11:29 AM  
Blogger meldonna said...

Well, dear, I hope you'll have that kay-so on the side! With some H-E-B Texas tortilla chips. Yummy!

12:29 PM  
Anonymous Daggy Dill said...

Daggy Dill says,

Mel,
That's swell
I'm gonna tell my brother
And he is gonna shit
'Cause he really got nominated
for Poet Laure-it
It is the truth,
To that I swear,
But some bee-atch beat him,
How did she dare?

He'll be green with envy,
And fly into a rage,
He'll be proud of me though
'Cause he's swell too.
Just like Scootmaroo,
Only different.

1:21 PM  
Blogger spadoman said...

Well all right. King of Bullshit. I like that, I do.
But I'm an asshole too. Don't forget that. Just cause it wasn't one of the awards doesn't mean I'm not an asshole anymore, does it?

Thanks Mel
Thanks Viking George

Thanks everybody. I had a ball.

Spadoman mingles with the after pageant crowd and walks around with no salami. His mini gherkin almost none existant, but a sweet gherkin none the less.

Peace, no matter what, peace after all of it.

2:24 PM  
Blogger meldonna said...

Just don't be a'jerkin' tha gherkin! And I need to do a shout out to Miss Pursey for her Gin-n-Juice rap-sody. Glad I'm not the only one who appreciates the Dogg, whether he has a jobby job or not. Word.

What a long strange trip it's been, peeps. PEACE!

5:31 PM  
Anonymous D.K. Raed said...

Why didn't anyone tell me my kilt was flying up every time I sneezed? Best Sneeze in a Kilt! Hah, you bet'cha! Now for my "prize" will I get Ewan MacGregor in his Kilt? Rats, I think he left in the caddy with lola.

Congratulations to LOLA, the bestest worstest of 'em all! You look great in that tiara. Take a bow, walk the runway, work the crowd. Just don't cook for us, please, we'll order out.

Oh, this was the best holiday pageant entertainment ever! Just trying to keep up was a mental challenge. You all are nuts, the kind when you start eating them, you just can't stop.

A big shout out to Mel who so tirelessly worked her butt off while packing up those moving boxes. I have a feeling your butt is down to the nubbin. And yet it still looks great in your TUX! Our d-lightful d-listed d-lezbin.

Thanks everyone for the good times here, from the world's oldest "boy" scout -- oh, turn down those lights, I'm not that damn old. ~~ D.K.

8:05 PM  
Anonymous Daggy Dill said...

DK, Raed,
I like what you just said,
It was too the point,
Now pass that joint,
You are not that old,
Come here dear,
Do you feel cold?

Shout out to Mel,
She's going through HELL,
But don't you think
She will blink,
Not for a minute,
Her heart is all in it,

Her heart is spread in so many places,
It makes me feel like she's from outer spaces.

Boodies up to Mel,
And her little nubbin'
She kept this party humming
And that is really somethin'

9:09 PM  
Blogger meldonna said...

Daggy, you lover...you are so WRONG!

Which at this partay means you are dead on Right!

And Lola can't slouch...we got the afterparty going on. HAAAAAY.

Better chime in, you Melonville bombshell.

1:57 AM  
Blogger enigma4ever said...

Well well, I arrive late, cause of the damn Taxicocktails..and I ran out of ripple and Scoot served some kind of hick classy hootch ( Midnight express without the gere...) and so here I am and I find I am an Honroable unmentionable...which is I think like an dishonorable mention...and I see Lola has won- probally cause she was boiling her baggies...oh, well...oh wait I see Pursey got the mis gongenail kissass award- well don't that just fit...sneez in the kilt to DK-"I didn't know???"OMG - Please...and spado you are still king...Mel thank you for this Incredible pageant and all of your hard work...I am now going to go sit somewhere and feed the dead fishs to the doggies, and I think I have to return the Robes to Someone ( Pursey? )....it was a blast...lets not do it again anytime soon...I gotta replace some damaged brain cells..

oh , look that awful dictator was executed...so glad that there was this party instead..what? oh, that 's right now we need to go to the Pirates' Party over at Spado..does he know we are coming?

TAXI !!!!!

2:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks everyone for your participation. It's been a great ride.

Viking Phyllis George

6:20 AM  
Blogger spadoman said...

Viking, I gave you a ride this morning. Did you forget already?
Ok Enigma, hop in my taxi, I'll share. So, you got rid of the fish. did you save the shoes? I knida like when you wear them, (those tight calves)

Lola didn't win by the way. By winning, you're a big loser. So, don't feel bad. Lola is the big losing winner with the boil bag blues.

(I think I might write a song, The Boil Bag Blues. Look for it on my blog soon.

6:41 AM  
Blogger Lola Heatherton said...

Sorry, I've been busy in the backseat with Ewan MacGregor. He wanted to show me how his kilt worked. And it works just fine, thank you.

Did I miss something?

10:12 AM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

Lola,
I am sure Bittman liked that, did he have his camera crew with him again?

1:43 PM  
Anonymous D.K. Raed said...

lola, when you're done with Ewan, please be kind: put his kilt back on him, adjust his silky sporran & buy the lad a wee drink o'guinness before you drop him off at the roadhouse. The road to my house, heheh.

Pursey, why would Bittyman want film? Wouldn't he just take yours or Lola's word for it? He's not a blackmailer is he? Blackmailers are lower than catshit buried down an oilshaft. ~~ D.K.

3:43 PM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

DK,

Bittman has devious ways of making money, and that is all I can say about him. I do not trust the man one wit. Okay, if you insist, I will say this, the man needs to be with the scorpions and snakes that would not deign to dine on his carcass. That is your quote, and when it comes to Bittman, more true words have never been spoken.

"The roadhouse, the road to my house..hehe," another classic by the DK!!!

4:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

spadoman, in your dreams.

VPG

8:51 AM  
Blogger spadoman said...

Viking Phyliss George.... Yes, my dreams.

9:43 AM  
Blogger Scootmaroo said...

Congratulations, Lola....I hope everyone had a swell and swanky New Year! No Cha Cha Heels, but I did get some new bling.....

3:51 AM  

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