The American Renaissance

Baja Canada del Sur: Comedy and Comment in the Age of Occupation

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Location: Little Rock, Arkansas

found done in needlepoint on Mel's Front Porch: I Pledge Alligence to the Constitution of the United States of America. And to the Republic for which it guarantees, One Nation, Undeniable, with Liberty, Truth, and Justice for All.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Evangelical Leader Didn't Inhale

Folks, you can't write comedy to compare with this. Apparently Foley's not the only one on the other side of the spectrum with some cognitive dissonance between what he says and what he does -- although catching a preacher in some voe-dee-oh-doe is nothing new.
Merle's Distant, Naughty Cousin, Kneel Haggard

You would think, by this point, that we'd have all these theocrats on their knees begging for forgiveness by now. Not from God, but from the very people they leech their lavish lifestyles from. Not to mention the rest of us who have to put up with them polluting the public discourse with their rants demanding we install a Puritan Sharia law to replace our Only Constitution. Of course, some of these fellas are dropping to their knees for more prurient purposes.
I'm not even bother to point out the continuing hypocrisy these scandals underline; suffice it to say it's obvious. Here's an idea: Before we get all high and mighty and decide to "partition Iraq", a suggestion I'm starting to hear bandied about in political circles (as if it's a decision we have any business arbitrarily making on behalf of the Iraqis anyhow -- and like they're not already doing it for themselves, in a very bloody, disorganized, and tragic way), I got some partitions to propose. Let the foot-washing Baptists have the western half of Oklahoma, the evangelicals can have Nebraska, and various other Christian extremists can divvy up Kansas as they see fit. Utah, of course, will remain as is.

Any current residents of these areas who chose not to live in a theocracy (not a teeming hoard by anybody's estimate) can be compensated at a rate five times the worth of their homes and properties, and ably assisted in relocating to a state of their choice by utilizing federal monies currently going to maintain roads, social programs, et cetera; many fundies oppose taxes and federal programs anyway; so let them live without the sweat of our brows.

Radical? Oh, yes...but I might support putting a fence on that border. Pretty sure the fundies would, too -- to keep all the pinkofaggotcommiebullshit out of their Paradise. Meanwhile the rest of American Christians can continue to work in peace in a secular manner with the political leaders of a soon-to-be resurrected land under the rule of law.

I know it's not going to happen, but a girl can dream, can't she?

A sincere apology is offered to Merle Haggard for using his name to even remotely suggest a connection a Dick-Smokie not from offence was intended to him or his fans, several of whom I've been known to tip a beer with.


Anonymous D.K. Raed said...

hey, mel, from the looks of that first picture, Haggard's been flouting his flock for years, probably can't believe they kept buying the BS he's been selling.

Far from turning some off the evangies from voting this election, I think all these recent behavorial revelations have just entrenched them. Now they KNOW they can't trust anyone, that they have to constantly be on the look-out for possible homo infiltration! For a good laugh on this subject, check out:

Hmmm, as far as partitioning the US, I'm not willing to give 'em an inch. Let 'em have to deal with the rest of us unwashed heathens every day. Remind 'em how much fun life can be when you use your brain to read something other than some thousands-of-years-old badly transribed disjointed bit of campfire mythology.

I cracked up about your Utah comment ("to remain as is")! Someone wrote into our utah newspaper today in response to those "long-time" residents not liking the way their state is changing as more non-mormons move in ... he said "well, if you old-timers don't like it, you can always leave!" (Idaho should start preparing now)

BIG Amen! ~~ D.K.

5:54 PM  
Blogger meldonna said...

I knew you'd like that cheap shot at Mormonland, Deke. And the photos I found made the post almost too easy; it kind of wrote itself!

I know what you mean about not giving them an inch. But they've been threatening to send me, and my brothers and sisters, the gayfolk, to an Island Somewhere for as long as I can remember, so I just thought turnabout is fair play.

Besides, I gave them a swath of the midwest where their official state tree can be the telephone pole. We're keeping South Beach, P-Town, Tahoe and Waikiki, baby!

7:21 PM  
Anonymous D.K. Raed said...

Re: sending gayfolk to an island (your words) ... I often wonder about that. If round-ups of ANY type were to happen here in the USA today, would people stand for it? I made a point of visiting the Manzanar Internment Camp when we drove thru the Sierras & tried to imagine being targeted and isolated, all your assets confiscated or force-sold for pennies on the dollar. Could it be done so secretively that others wouldn't even notice anything much wrong until it was too late? And just who the hell are all these current detention camps really being built for?

Hmmm, we stumbled into beautiful Provincetown in the 80's on a trip around New England. There was some kind of outdoor art show going on that seemed to be attracting a lot of interesting people (really, we were clueless). The sun was shining, everyone was very friendly, and yes we eventally had that amazing disoriented moment when we realized we were the only man-woman couple there!

And yeah, I know you're right about Kansas. I've got absolutely no use for a state that would mandate creation bs be taught as a valid scientific alternative. ~~ D.K.

11:14 PM  
Blogger meldonna said...

I don't guess the neocon voters realize that we worry about such things, but with one well-known concentration camp already in Cuba, and the history of the "relocation camps" of WWII, it's hard not to wonder. I don't think we are quite so far gone yet, despite the best efforts of Team Bush to dumb down the Constitution. Especially with the military actively advocating for at least new leadership at the DoD.

Besides, the NRA has done a good job making sure a large percentage of the public remains armed. Maybe not exactly what they had in mind, but Americans are not as easy to disappear as other less fortunate populations.

Great P-Town story. And glad you still find it humorous; I like being a "gay ambassador" of sorts myself...although it can try your patience at times. I know a lovely couple of folks here in the Puget Sound area who live about halfway up Mt. Pilchuck I just talked to today. Hubby was in his cups (hilariously so), and went into a slurred soliloquy about how he and I had so much in common, seeing as how we both (I'll spare you his terminology) enjoy oral with a female. His wife (none to sober herself) yanked the phone away from him, fussing about "that's a nice visual", and I had to say to her I wish I had a nickel for every time I had a straight guy say that to never strikes some of your more redneck fellas that lesbian or straight, that is disgustingly offensive ("but don't tell him! I know he's shithoused right now, and I don't want to hurt his feelings anyway"). Being the diplomat you recently gave me outstanding props for, I don't let someone phase me just because he's clumsy trying to express himself when he's loaded. For one, I was laughing too hard, knowing I'll call 'em back tomorrow when they're both sober and have a good giggle, and two, I happen to know I'm the first lesbian this 52 year old guy's ever known personally, and while his language might be crude, he always treats me with the highest respect. You just can't expect the Queen's English from a fella that cut his seagoing teeth at the Elbow Room in Dutch Harbor, Alaska. And you just can't pay money for this kind of entertainment.

To change the subject somewhat, I had a random thought on the gay-right-winger issue. I think the reason the right is so rife with these closeted folks is obvious; if you're locked in so much guilt about your own sexuality you can't come out to yourself, the best beard (cover) is to become a righteous over-achieving religious conservative.

The first time I was ever in a protest was in the early 90's in Little Rock, Arkansas, supporting a church under attack by some folks from Texas of the Fred Phelps ilk. The thing that struck me strongly was that while we were singing "We Will Overcome" and several hymns with slightly altered lyrics, the people across the street with their "God Hates Fags" signs we so obviously so profoundly unhappy it almost hurt.

I do gleefully skewer any of these hypocrites who have parlayed their own hate of themselves into a career of power, deceiving others and taking advantage of their beliefs and good nature, but there is truly a measure of pity I feel for people like Haggard and Foley. Can you imagine what good these guys could have accomplished without pandering to their own lowest denominator? There is a small tragedy in that itself.

Who knew crackhead Rodney King would come out with the simple wisdom of the ages: Can't we all just get along? For whatever flaws he might have had, I still love him for that...

12:19 AM  
Anonymous D.K. Raed said...

Yeah, ol' Rodney uttered something worthy of a poet laureate. A simple thought, expressed simply, can be very powerful. Even tho' we were living in So-Cal at the time, we had just moved & didn't have cable or even antenna tv for those few weeks of riots. We listened to it all on the radio! Made us appreciate the value of verbal pictures that we've lost in this tv-age of visuals.

Tolerance! I despair it may be a concept beyond man. Especially seeing the ugliness going on in Darfur. That's why Morris Dees remains one of my heroes.

And you having to practice it daily when others make such crude or insensitive or just plain old judgmental remarks. It's easy for ME to just say f*ck-em-all. As an ambassador, YOU gotta walk the walk & that takes courage!

OMG, your friend's late-night drunken remark! Hope he apologized or at least felt sheepish today. I know it's not exactly the same, but I used to get similar remarks about choosing not to have children ("something wrong with YOUR working parts, or your husband's?"). Like they were suddenly fertility experts or something. Like a person couldn't make a rational decision NOT to have/raise children. Blah! And just when I thought being beyond the age of conceivt (my own word) meant I was safely away from those comments, the "where are your grandkids" comments begin!

I watched as much as I could take of Andrew Sullivan on C-Span last night talking about his coming out. It was all very moving & I'm more than glad he's now on the democrat side, but he's soooo very religious about the whole thing, it makes an old agnostic like myself quite uncomfortable. Plus I never could understand those log-cabin repubs. To me, they were like uncle toms. I'd love to hear your understanding of this. ~~ D.K.

10:37 AM  
Blogger meldonna said...

Log Cabin Repubs are gay people who are conservative (truly conservative -- fiscal responsibility, personal responsibility, privacy, etc. as opposed to the neocon version of god, gays, and guns). While I appreciate truly conservative people even if I don't always agree with them, on my understanding of Log Cabins, I have none. But I find the mental image of J. Edgar in sequins fairly repulsive, too, so go figure.

In fact, I do see some of that "self-closeting" behavior I was talking about above in the LCRs. It certainly seems to have some self-loathing in it too, doesn't it?

I'm off to call my friends up the mountain back (she says with an evil little giggle); a good diplomat knows to wait until someone sobers up to seize a dynamic educating opportunity. And BTW, Mister was actually that polluted at three in the afternoon, not late night! But it's okay. With old sailors and mountain folk, there is such a thing as gloriously drunk. And like Buffett says, if we couldn't laugh we would all go insane.


2:27 PM  
Blogger enigma4ever said...

well, well I read the post...and then I came here and you and DK are having such a good talk I think I will just sit here and drink my coffee...and eavesdrop of course ;-)

9:22 PM  
Blogger meldonna said...

Well, the conversation goes on...

I did call my friends out on the mountain; apparently it's an ongoing weekend. It is funny how much an old sailor and a country gal grew up outside Marysville remind me so much of the rednecks I grew up with back down south. I'll call again later this week and see how they're getting on...

I think I'm laying a little low tomorrow; there's a blow coming in off the Pacific. Good excuse to stay in out of the rain, catch up on my reading, and relax before Stupid Tuesday. I don't know about anybody else, but the sooner we get past this hurdle, the happier I'll be. Fuck Diebold.

2:17 AM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

South Carolina. Saw a TV program once where they're already flocking there with the express purpose of taking over the state. And they can have parts of North Carolina too, on the floodplain where they have all those hog farms. They should be happy in those tidepools of oozing pigshit.

7:22 AM  
Blogger spadoman said...

This is great! I'm with Enigma, sittin' in the corner laughing my arse off.

2:34 PM  
Blogger azgoddess said...

asholes and idiots...VOTE for PEACE!!

5:13 PM  
Blogger meldonna said...

Neil, that's exactly the thing we need to get a handle on -- instead of letting them take over the entire south like fireants! God knows Dixie already has enough semi-indigenous nests of nattering nabobs of noxious nonsense. Even better, let's reverse the Trail of Tears and make it a Joyous Repatriation for the Cherokee, Seminole, et cetera. As long as we arm the Indians as well as we arm the Israelis, it'd be a cakewalk.

I mean, a girl can dream, can't she?


p.s. sorry if that sounds less than a full commitment to tolerance, deke; but I just can't tolerate the intolerant. Call it...a weakness. hee hee hee

6:56 PM  
Anonymous D.K. Raed said...

Mel, I would NEVER tolerate the intolerant! No no no. My tolerance ends when some bigoted asshole expands his self-abuse horizon & crosses the line into abusing others either directly or indirectly. sorry if i implied otherwise.

I was checking back to see if your sailor friend made amends! My dad spent a few delinquent post-WWII navy yrs playing billiards up in Alaska. Some amateur scratcher added a big AK mosquito to his philappine & china tattoos while there. Oh, here's a crude little family story you & your sailor friend might like:

One of my dad's oft-repeated old navy lines was "there is no wrong hole" which we kids used to laugh at before we even knew what it meant. My outrageous sister liked it so much, she eventually put it on a bumper sticker. Over time & through many car washes, part of the bumper sticker faded & tore off, until finally all that was left was "wrong hole". To which she added ' , MF! ' in marks-a-lot permanent ink. When I pointed out she was changing the meaning to the opposite, she countered "consistency is boring".

ps, thanks for the bit of light you shed on the log-cabiners. Yes, there definitely seems some self-loathing there. I just hope over these last 6-yrs they've realized how badly they were duped, how these shi'ite repubs would love nothing more than to outlaw their very essences, and that they make it to the polls with the rest of us to express disgust & vote for change.

pps, HI enigma, spadoman, I see you there sitting in the corner! Here's the mike ... D.K.

10:31 PM  
Blogger spadoman said...

Nothing more to say. Both d.k.'s and Mel's stories rocked!

But I'll check in with one comment about the Haggerd affair.

The people who won't tolerate the choices made by others and are scared to death of gays and lesbians think of only one dimension of a relationship, sex. They don't understand, (or if they do they don't accept) the fact that two PEOPLE can love each other on many other levels and form a rich satisfying relationship based on something other than lust and sex.

Haggard pretty much dove into the sex part of it and the followers view it as bad. Nevermind that prostitution is the world's oldest profession.

The double standard aside with the viewpoint of one man-one woman, Haggard didn't form the relationship part and in my opinion, doesn't know what love is. Many don't. They equate love with sex and supporting the finances by holding a steady job, or in this case, paying out the money.

Here in Wisconsin, we vote later today on a marriage amendment. I don't know the outcome, but I know that it shouldn't even be an issue.
Even if it passes, no-one can stop people from continuing to love one another.

Please don't ever put me in the same category as the intolerant.

3:08 AM  
Blogger meldonna said...

Actually, the "intolerant" jab was kind of pointed at myself, seeing as I am in a tongue-it-cheek way advocating a massive concentration camp for right-wing Christians, religious ethnic clensing, et cetera, on our own soil. The point being, of course, if these things are to be tolerated and even supported in other countries by our government, they should be hunky-dory here as well.

We have many policies that demand other countries "do as I say, not as I do". Dada turned me on to an interview with Jimmy Carter on NPR where the former president pointed out that the US doesn't meet enough universal voting standards (equal time on news media as opposed to purchased air, and national voting standards as opposed to our patchwork of local voting procedures) to even qualify to be monitored.

Ain't that neat? How many times have you heard someone rah-rah about spreading democracy so other countries can vote, "like we do here!"

God forbid. I wouldn't wish our current voting mess on on the most bass-ackwards country. They deserve better. And so do we.


You know, I've never understood why people get so worked up over the word gay in front of marriage. Full equality in this country is coming; the question isn't if but when. Spadoman is exactly right in his comments; I like two points that comedians are on to: one, if marriage is so sacred, outlaw divorce; and two, if the wingnuts really want to prevent gay sex, insist gays marry -- it works so well for many straight relationships.

Not if, when. Jokes help make the wait easier, but the prejudices being promoted by the right make patience hard. The idea that two people bonded together in love might be somehow dangerous to children at large based on their genitalia is absurd in a country where children have to regularily be wrested away from birth parents due to abuse and neglect far too often, and usually far too late. It's not who you love, it's how you love that makes a successful family.


Good story, deke; I'm supposed to call the wild and wooly ones back on Thursday after Missus has her dr.s' appointment and see what's up. Thanks for the ammo (grin).

BTW, I wonder if your dad was a regular at the Elbow Room in Dutch Harbor; it's been known for years as the most dangerous bar in America...then again, fishing the Bering Sea is one of the most dangerous jobs on earth, so work hard, play hard is the theme.

8:48 AM  
Anonymous D.K. Raed said...

I'll have to ask my dad about Dutch Harbor. I've only heard vague wild stories about him supporting himself in AK as a pool-shark for 2-yrs post-navy, pre-my-mom. There were even some rumors about him singing for his supper some nights, but I'm not sure that's credible without alcohol-poisoning. Recently turned 79, he's still somewhat of a rake & roustabout.

Agree with Spadoman that lust & sex are not required of every satisfying relationship. What a poorer world we would be in if that were so! i didn't know Wisconsin has a marriage amendment on the ballot. i'll be watching it.

mel, I've been toying with an idea about marriage, gay or other. I wonder if we haven't about reached the point (long predicted by SF writers) where marriage for everyone becomes more of a business contract. Where everyone is forced to think it through, all the legal ramifications for breaking or dissolving the contract specifically spelled out & easily enforceable in court. Hell, I'd even say offer 5-yr, 10-yr, 15-yr, etc contracts, renewable if both parties agree. Think of all the future times you could re-marry your spouse!

ps, did seattle get a lot of flooding like i've seen on the weather channel in the NW? hope it didn't affect voter turn-out. ~~ D.K.

3:16 PM  
Blogger meldonna said...

We have a LOT of flooding in the country, especially just north of Seattle in Snohomish county; but I've only heard of one polling place that had to be closed. They said on the local news last night that if your regular polling place had to close, you could call in and find the nearest location to provisional vote. And the WA sec. of state is on the news right now describing "flood voting"; since flooding is common in November, procedures have been in place for many years.

On a side note, I've seen the Republican HQ in Everett (Snohomish Co. seat). It would fit in my walk-in closet.

Speaking of voting, I'm off to do so myself. Cheers!

4:21 PM  

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